Broken Hearts

The chart I had been studying showed that there was a huge spike in trash volume at this time each year. Mainly from discarded heart-shaped Valentine Day candy boxes. I was contemplating the idea of salvaging and re-selling these containers to the third world when the phone rang. I could see from caller ID that it was Bill, calling in sick, as usual. I let the call go to voicemail. The DumpFuck; I had fired him months ago, but he refuses to accept my authority to terminate him on the grounds that he never showed up for work. I got tired of explaining it to him.
"It's discrimination against sick people," was his argument. It doesn't really matter that he refuses to accept the shitcan, since he is no longer on the payroll. I keep telling him to stop calling-in because no one gives a crap. He will not listen. The last time I took his call, he asked how many sick days he had left!

I am too busy for these distractions. I have trash to collect and hazardous waste to dispose of. I run a crew of malingering layabouts who must be constantly prodded to get their jobs done. This union thing had caused a lot of chaos among the troops and if there is anything I hate as a manager it is dissention.

As everyone knows, I am a teamwork type of Leader. Anyone who disagrees with me is wrong and I expect the team to shun those who are not with the program. As I often have said, "There is no 'U' in Team."

I got back to my chart analysis. The line representing dumpster usage showed a steady increase over the past decade. Blips and dips corresponded to various seasonal trashflows and documented events. Examples of predictable surges were reflected in the two dimensional format. Wrapping paper following Christmas. Empty Jameson bottles after St Patty's day, Cardboard heart boxes after Valentines day, hundreds of puppy carcasses just after Kill-a-puppy-with-your-bare-hands week, that sort of thing.
I had hired a small team of College students to do the research and create the presentation quality chart. They had done meticulous work. Each significant point of the chart was annotated with a reference number, with the full text explication published in a 200 page white paper. I was pleased with the work and was hoping to impress The Board of Directors at an upcoming meeting.

I heard the lads coming in for the afternoon coffee break, so I put the chart in the desk drawer. I picked up the phone and pretended I was on a call. I didn't need to worry. George and Rajeed, the new guy, were debating the proper design for birdhouses. George had started building them as a hobby and giving them to his friends in lieu of real gifts. Rajeed thought there should be a tiny hole in the top to let in more light. George thought that such a hole would also let in more water in a rainstorm.
Just then, Lardass came in with a big unopened heartshaped chocolate box. "For my Valentine," he explained. We knew he had probably gotten it for half-price at CVS. It didn't matter that Valentines Day was 2 days ago. We nodded and smiled, but even the new guy knew that the only valentine Lardass wooed was named Sally-five-fingers.