The annual Marquis de Sade dumpwide bicycle race always draws a large crowd. Some competitors travel from long distances to participate in this popular event. Two of our past favorites Uday and Qusay "Johnson" (hey, that's the name they used when they signed up!) will not be 'coming down for breakfast' as Howie Carr says, so it is with extreme regret that we announce that they have been scratched ( and from the pictures, burned and shot too.)
This leaves an all American field of racers, composed of gastroenterologists and TV news program directors and Rosie O'Donnell.
Sunday, July 27, 2003
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
National Dumpfucks Secretary Appreciation Day
Hard to believe that another year has gone by. We gave the secretaries the day off today so they could go to the doctors for their annual "STD Free" certifications. It is a strict policy here at the Dump that all female workers get inspected and certified. We (guys) don't want to catch any diseases! Lardass wants to get all their teeth removed too, like Daisy.
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
Ok so I made a mistake -sue me!
I have been taking quite a bit of flack recently for an erroneous statement that I accidently forgot to delete from my "state of the dump" speech a few months ago.
The sentence that sounded like "We have documented proof that the evil empire of Natick is sending unstickered vehicles to our dump," should actually have said, "We haven't been checking stickers recently due to exessive abuse of the sick day policy by lazy assed staffers."
I just want to go on the record to say that as the Dump Fucks Leader, I take no responsibilty for the statements attributed to me. I have full confidence in myself and plan to continue to spew out all manner of inaccuracies because -after all - I am the duly self appointed Leader. If a Leader waited for all the facts to be checked and rechecked, he would never get anything done! We hardly get anything done as it is. Thanks you for your understanding and your continued confidence in the RDF to handle your trash needs.
The sentence that sounded like "We have documented proof that the evil empire of Natick is sending unstickered vehicles to our dump," should actually have said, "We haven't been checking stickers recently due to exessive abuse of the sick day policy by lazy assed staffers."
I just want to go on the record to say that as the Dump Fucks Leader, I take no responsibilty for the statements attributed to me. I have full confidence in myself and plan to continue to spew out all manner of inaccuracies because -after all - I am the duly self appointed Leader. If a Leader waited for all the facts to be checked and rechecked, he would never get anything done! We hardly get anything done as it is. Thanks you for your understanding and your continued confidence in the RDF to handle your trash needs.
Sunday, July 13, 2003
Defecation
Lardass won the Most-Amazing-Shits contest this morning.
A bunch of us were congregated, as we are wont to do on Sunday mornings, when our significant bitches- are attending the religious services of their choice. George claims that they are actually going over to Medford to check out the new Krispy Kreme store.
We were recounting great shits we had had in our lives. We have stopped lying about our sexual exploits, and are into sharing true body experiences. I recalled the glorious sensation of total emptiness after taking that stuff they make you drink for your colonoscopy. It turns your bowels into liquid and expells the contents with such force that one almost experiences orgasm. Lardass talked about the time he had been on a cheese eating binge and he shat a turd so big that he had to cut it with a wire coat hanger to get it to flush down the toilet. George claims that he takes a huge crap at least three times a day, and that "dry farts don't smell bad."
Lefty said that "irregularity is in the mind of the beholder." We all pelted him with cheese balls.
Bill disclosed that while a student at BMU he had actually taken a college course in Scatology, but was flunked out because he "failed to turn-in his feces".
Next week we will be sharing our "Best Dwarf Fucks."
A bunch of us were congregated, as we are wont to do on Sunday mornings, when our significant bitches- are attending the religious services of their choice. George claims that they are actually going over to Medford to check out the new Krispy Kreme store.
We were recounting great shits we had had in our lives. We have stopped lying about our sexual exploits, and are into sharing true body experiences. I recalled the glorious sensation of total emptiness after taking that stuff they make you drink for your colonoscopy. It turns your bowels into liquid and expells the contents with such force that one almost experiences orgasm. Lardass talked about the time he had been on a cheese eating binge and he shat a turd so big that he had to cut it with a wire coat hanger to get it to flush down the toilet. George claims that he takes a huge crap at least three times a day, and that "dry farts don't smell bad."
Lefty said that "irregularity is in the mind of the beholder." We all pelted him with cheese balls.
Bill disclosed that while a student at BMU he had actually taken a college course in Scatology, but was flunked out because he "failed to turn-in his feces".
Next week we will be sharing our "Best Dwarf Fucks."
Saturday, July 12, 2003
Dump Rules
> For your safety, no dogs are allowed at the dump at anytime. Leashed and muzzled dogs should be kept inside your SUV with the windows up so we cannot hear them barking.
> Ball Playing and Frizbees are not allowed
>Please help us to keep the dump clean. Use trash barrels.
> Alcoholic beverages are allowed, if shared with dump personnel.
> Radioactive substances should be recycled in the appropriate "take and Leave" bins. Weapons grade plutonium should be disposed in the "Fissionable" area and kept out of the "Kids Stuff" toy recycle area. We have had some recent unfortunate "accidents" recently. The USAF disaster control team might have labelled them "Broken Arrows", but we just call them "Un-necessary incidents resulting in hideous childhood deformities."
> Please park your SUV's in the spaces provided. The handicap spots are for cripples and blind people. Please be thoughtful. And would the Orientals in your stupid Hondas, please stay out of the Negro parking spots. A lot of pregnant women have been parking anywhere they choose. Your specially marked spots are clearly identified. Pay attention.
> The dump is at the disposal of all citizens; enjoy your visit. Obey the rules so your fellow dumpfucks can enjoy also.
Thank you
DF
> Ball Playing and Frizbees are not allowed
>Please help us to keep the dump clean. Use trash barrels.
> Alcoholic beverages are allowed, if shared with dump personnel.
> Radioactive substances should be recycled in the appropriate "take and Leave" bins. Weapons grade plutonium should be disposed in the "Fissionable" area and kept out of the "Kids Stuff" toy recycle area. We have had some recent unfortunate "accidents" recently. The USAF disaster control team might have labelled them "Broken Arrows", but we just call them "Un-necessary incidents resulting in hideous childhood deformities."
> Please park your SUV's in the spaces provided. The handicap spots are for cripples and blind people. Please be thoughtful. And would the Orientals in your stupid Hondas, please stay out of the Negro parking spots. A lot of pregnant women have been parking anywhere they choose. Your specially marked spots are clearly identified. Pay attention.
> The dump is at the disposal of all citizens; enjoy your visit. Obey the rules so your fellow dumpfucks can enjoy also.
Thank you
DF
Wednesday, July 09, 2003
Workplace Rage
There ought to be a law against people who get so uptight that they come to work and shoot coworkers to death. Folks, this is simply not good etiquette. I guard against the possibility that Lardass or one of the Armenian yard sweepers will take out their frustrations on me. I walk around with a loaded pistol stuck in my belt so no one will even think about f*cking with me.
Lardass noticed. "Ya'll are gonna shoot yer dick off with that." I could tell he was less intimidated than I had planned.
"Naw, his dick ain't big enough to catch a slug. More likely it'll hit him in the foot!" shouted Daisy, the midget dump harlot. She was a true gem 36" tall and a flat head, so you can set your beer down and it won't spill. She has no teeth and a tongue like an anteater's.
Ok, so my co-workers aren't perfect. At least we didn't have any massacres today.
.
Lardass noticed. "Ya'll are gonna shoot yer dick off with that." I could tell he was less intimidated than I had planned.
"Naw, his dick ain't big enough to catch a slug. More likely it'll hit him in the foot!" shouted Daisy, the midget dump harlot. She was a true gem 36" tall and a flat head, so you can set your beer down and it won't spill. She has no teeth and a tongue like an anteater's.
Ok, so my co-workers aren't perfect. At least we didn't have any massacres today.
.
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
Hot Day at the Dump
You'd be surprised at the things people bring to the dump. Things they want to get rid of. Ghosts that haunt them. Items that hold dark memories. Some people need to get rid of things that they have stolen. As if that will assuage their guilt and fear. No, my poor dumplings, it will not do. Redemption cannot be found at the dump, you need to go to a redemption center if you expect to get your deposit back.
Today a Wellesley citizen brought the carcass of a moose to the compost area.
"Sorry buddy, we can't compost animals." I said waving the black Hummer away from the bins.
"What the fuck am I supposed to do with this dead fucking moose?" he shouted.
"Take it back where you got it" I said.
"How long that thing been dead?" Lardass asked, looking as if he was thinking Bar-B-Que.
"Fuck if I know. Couple a days judging from the flies," said the Hummer driver. "I found it on my lawn this morning."
"Look, buddy," I said in a friendly, helpful tone "They don't let us handle this sort of thing...you know... normally. But, i'm thinking: if I could get a few bucks, I know a guy who..."
"How Much?" the hummer guy interrupted, jerking his wallet from his hip pocket. He opened it up and I could see a raft of twenties nestled and folded in the pure leather of his billfold, which was clearly not a Marshall's special value item from a 3rd world nation.
"Three Hundred." I began the bidding, willing to do it for a hundred.
"Done. Where can I put it?" He started counting out the bills. I mentally kicked myself for not asking for five hundred.
Lard ass was untying the fetid corpse. "Leave it right here - I'll go get the backhoe."
The hummer guy looked relieved. He handed me the bills. I stuffed them in my shirt pocket.
"Just one other thing..." he motioned for me to come over to look in the back of the hummer. it looked like the body of a young dead woman wrapped in a white sheet. Blood stains appeared around the torso as if she had been stabbed repeatedly.
"How much, do you think?"
"Another fifty should do it," I said cheerfully. "Your lucky day. We have to dig the hole for the moose anyway."
Today a Wellesley citizen brought the carcass of a moose to the compost area.
"Sorry buddy, we can't compost animals." I said waving the black Hummer away from the bins.
"What the fuck am I supposed to do with this dead fucking moose?" he shouted.
"Take it back where you got it" I said.
"How long that thing been dead?" Lardass asked, looking as if he was thinking Bar-B-Que.
"Fuck if I know. Couple a days judging from the flies," said the Hummer driver. "I found it on my lawn this morning."
"Look, buddy," I said in a friendly, helpful tone "They don't let us handle this sort of thing...you know... normally. But, i'm thinking: if I could get a few bucks, I know a guy who..."
"How Much?" the hummer guy interrupted, jerking his wallet from his hip pocket. He opened it up and I could see a raft of twenties nestled and folded in the pure leather of his billfold, which was clearly not a Marshall's special value item from a 3rd world nation.
"Three Hundred." I began the bidding, willing to do it for a hundred.
"Done. Where can I put it?" He started counting out the bills. I mentally kicked myself for not asking for five hundred.
Lard ass was untying the fetid corpse. "Leave it right here - I'll go get the backhoe."
The hummer guy looked relieved. He handed me the bills. I stuffed them in my shirt pocket.
"Just one other thing..." he motioned for me to come over to look in the back of the hummer. it looked like the body of a young dead woman wrapped in a white sheet. Blood stains appeared around the torso as if she had been stabbed repeatedly.
"How much, do you think?"
"Another fifty should do it," I said cheerfully. "Your lucky day. We have to dig the hole for the moose anyway."
Sunday, July 06, 2003
Declaration of Un-dependance
Despite what some people may think, I believe in the golden rule. This is why I do not go to public events if I can help it. We celebrated the Fourth of July from our living room. I could not help but feel sorry for the poor folks who traveled from places as far away as Malden to come to the mosquito infested Esplanade (a French word for "swamp") on the Charles to listen to some screeching black opera chick, an uninspiring, mumbling performance by Lee Ann Rhymes ("What's up Boston?"), and the mastaburtory slurpings of the local media. 600,000 bladders showed up and stood in 3mile long lines while swatting away those ubiquitous bearers of West Nile Virus (another reason to nuke the entire Arab continent)? But the most annoying thing must have been those perfect assholes who decided that their own lard-assed performances were more important than the view of the stage.
I guess diehard concert attendees are accustomed to that sort of inconsiderate behavior. They don't let me go to concerts anymore, since the incident where some people who blocked my view of the stage were mysteriously found dead with poisoned dart wounds on the back of their necks. This gave rise to the phrase "tough darts."
I was found innocent by a jury of my peers who also hate inconsiderate concert goers.
I guess diehard concert attendees are accustomed to that sort of inconsiderate behavior. They don't let me go to concerts anymore, since the incident where some people who blocked my view of the stage were mysteriously found dead with poisoned dart wounds on the back of their necks. This gave rise to the phrase "tough darts."
I was found innocent by a jury of my peers who also hate inconsiderate concert goers.
Friday, July 04, 2003
Happy Birthday America
To honor American values the dump will be open all day today. Bring us your garbage yearning to be dumpstered. Give us your stinking trash bags full of cat dung and baby diapers. Recycle your used condoms (we simply rinse them out and invert them to use both sides. We got the idea from Martha. Its such a good thing to conserve natural resources of latex).
We do not believe in holidays. We think you are lucky to have a job you whining, spoiled brats! In stead of a paid day off, you should go to the plant and work for free to show your appreciation. For christ sakes, your company is not some socialist experiment to make you happy. The company exists to line the pocketbooks of wealthy investors. Last time I checked, I counted 24 hours in each and every day, and 7 days in the week. Sure you need 8 hours of sleep every day, but that leaves 16 hours a day available for work.
We love what we do. We would do it for free. Working at the dump is considered a priviledge not a right. We have no affirmative action program, but we admittedly demonstrate a preference for attractive women with big breasts, regardless of nationality, religious affiliation or sexual orientation.
We do not believe in holidays. We think you are lucky to have a job you whining, spoiled brats! In stead of a paid day off, you should go to the plant and work for free to show your appreciation. For christ sakes, your company is not some socialist experiment to make you happy. The company exists to line the pocketbooks of wealthy investors. Last time I checked, I counted 24 hours in each and every day, and 7 days in the week. Sure you need 8 hours of sleep every day, but that leaves 16 hours a day available for work.
We love what we do. We would do it for free. Working at the dump is considered a priviledge not a right. We have no affirmative action program, but we admittedly demonstrate a preference for attractive women with big breasts, regardless of nationality, religious affiliation or sexual orientation.
