Not All Ideas are Good Ideas

This morning I had to send Lardass over to the Old-People-Take-and-Leave section to beef up the security fence. The place is starting to look like a concentration camp. People keep dropping off their old and useless relatives, no one seems to come by to pick-up. The other night one of the old fucks wandered off and got in the back of a deuce and a half pickup truck and fell asleep. He wasn't discovered until the next morning when the driver noticed a peculiar smell. Allegedly, the old fuck became confused and bit the pickup driver on the hand when he was offered a sandwich. I had several angry calls about that incident.

The newspaper reporter who interviewed me got it all wrong, of course. The story made it sound like we were running a slipshod operation. And, now the Town Manager wants to know whether our insurance policy will cover the inevitable lawsuits.

I have been having second thoughts about this innovation - which seemed like a logical way to recycle unwanted humanity. It had worked for old toilets and mattresses. And the Roadkill section was well attended and quite popular. Why not a recycle area for people?
"That was a fucked-up idea from the get go," Lardass pronounced when he returned from his fencing chores. "Who the hell would want old feeble people who drool in their cereal, lay around all day watching CNBC and spend the rest of their time in doctors waiting rooms?"
"Well, I thought maybe some of those pro-life do-gooders might come by to save them," I said with a whiny defensive quality to my voice. "They are always talking about 'right-to-life' and stuff. Making a big fuss about abortions. I figured they would want to save real live people, but I guess not."

We keep the old people in the holding pen for up to a week. Then, every Saturday, we herd them all into a walk-in dumpster and run them through the shredder. We recycle the bits into compost and sell it. We call it Humanginite. Very popular. Makes the lawns shimmeringly green.