This morning I had to send Lardass over to the Old-People-Take-and-Leave section to beef up the security fence. The place is starting to look like a concentration camp. People keep dropping off their old and useless relatives, no one seems to come by to pick-up. The other night one of the old fucks wandered off and got in the back of a deuce and a half pickup truck and fell asleep. He wasn't discovered until the next morning when the driver noticed a peculiar smell. Allegedly, the old fuck became confused and bit the pickup driver on the hand when he was offered a sandwich. I had several angry calls about that incident.
The newspaper reporter who interviewed me got it all wrong, of course. The story made it sound like we were running a slipshod operation. And, now the Town Manager wants to know whether our insurance policy will cover the inevitable lawsuits.
I have been having second thoughts about this innovation - which seemed like a logical way to recycle unwanted humanity. It had worked for old toilets and mattresses. And the Roadkill section was well attended and quite popular. Why not a recycle area for people?
"That was a fucked-up idea from the get go," Lardass pronounced when he returned from his fencing chores. "Who the hell would want old feeble people who drool in their cereal, lay around all day watching CNBC and spend the rest of their time in doctors waiting rooms?"
"Well, I thought maybe some of those pro-life do-gooders might come by to save them," I said with a whiny defensive quality to my voice. "They are always talking about 'right-to-life' and stuff. Making a big fuss about abortions. I figured they would want to save real live people, but I guess not."
We keep the old people in the holding pen for up to a week. Then, every Saturday, we herd them all into a walk-in dumpster and run them through the shredder. We recycle the bits into compost and sell it. We call it Humanginite. Very popular. Makes the lawns shimmeringly green.
Tuesday, September 30, 2003
Monday, September 15, 2003
Organic Thoughts
Yesterday was another muggy Sunday morning. As is our habit, a bunch of us dump denizens were sitting inside the cob house munching on stale bakery goods and day-old coffee. It was too warm to stoke up the old Franklin stove, but not warm enough for the A/C.
Lefty - who is about to observe his 63rd birthday - had recently renewed his driver's license, and he was telling us that he had checked-off the organ donor card.
"Who the christ would want one of your corroded body parts?" I objected. "For fuck's sake, it's irresponsible to even offer them, knowing how you've abused your body."
"The stuff on the right side has hardly been used," Lefty sneered, lighting up an unfiltered Camel with a kitchen match.
"Hey no smoking in here," yelled Lardass. Lefty ignored him.
Lardass is accustomed to being ignored by nearly everyone. "Ok, but your just killing yourself with those things, those cancer sticks."
Lefty just blew a puff of smoke at him. Lardass got up and opened a window.
"Some poor shmuck waiting for a 'healthy' kidney gets one of your beseiged parts. It ain't right." Lardass has this empathetic streak that makes him weep for a world full of pain and disappointment. The rest of us have become numb to the feelings of others. We have out own problems. (Who weeps for my nagging rectal itch?)
"I want to keep all my body parts," I declared. "You never know, maybe that thing the terrorists say about the 76 virgins in the afterlife is true. I figure, you need to take all your parts with you, just in case...."
Rajid chuckled, "Why would anyone want virgins? Wouldn't it be more like paradise to have slutty, experienced whores? Getting on top with breasts the size of Bombay Mangoes..."
"Well, I just don't want people cutting stuff out of me after I'm dead."
Just then, we heard a horn honking outside. It was the Dalai Lama , an old friend of the dump. He stops by whenever he's in town. He was driving a rented Miata convertible.
"Hey dudes!" he greeted us cheerfully.
"Hello Dalai!" we sang "It's so nice to see you back ..."
"Can stay and chitchat, dudes. Busy, Busy. Just came by to drop off some old robes." he had a black plastic garbage bag which presumably contained used buddhist apparel. "Can you see that these get into the Goodwill dumpster?"
"Hey, no problemo, Big Dee." It was Lardass who once again asked the question that was on everyone's mind, "So, what does the Lama wear, under his robe?"
Lefty - who is about to observe his 63rd birthday - had recently renewed his driver's license, and he was telling us that he had checked-off the organ donor card.
"Who the christ would want one of your corroded body parts?" I objected. "For fuck's sake, it's irresponsible to even offer them, knowing how you've abused your body."
"The stuff on the right side has hardly been used," Lefty sneered, lighting up an unfiltered Camel with a kitchen match.
"Hey no smoking in here," yelled Lardass. Lefty ignored him.
Lardass is accustomed to being ignored by nearly everyone. "Ok, but your just killing yourself with those things, those cancer sticks."
Lefty just blew a puff of smoke at him. Lardass got up and opened a window.
"Some poor shmuck waiting for a 'healthy' kidney gets one of your beseiged parts. It ain't right." Lardass has this empathetic streak that makes him weep for a world full of pain and disappointment. The rest of us have become numb to the feelings of others. We have out own problems. (Who weeps for my nagging rectal itch?)
"I want to keep all my body parts," I declared. "You never know, maybe that thing the terrorists say about the 76 virgins in the afterlife is true. I figure, you need to take all your parts with you, just in case...."
Rajid chuckled, "Why would anyone want virgins? Wouldn't it be more like paradise to have slutty, experienced whores? Getting on top with breasts the size of Bombay Mangoes..."
"Well, I just don't want people cutting stuff out of me after I'm dead."
Just then, we heard a horn honking outside. It was the Dalai Lama , an old friend of the dump. He stops by whenever he's in town. He was driving a rented Miata convertible.
"Hey dudes!" he greeted us cheerfully.
"Hello Dalai!" we sang "It's so nice to see you back ..."
"Can stay and chitchat, dudes. Busy, Busy. Just came by to drop off some old robes." he had a black plastic garbage bag which presumably contained used buddhist apparel. "Can you see that these get into the Goodwill dumpster?"
"Hey, no problemo, Big Dee." It was Lardass who once again asked the question that was on everyone's mind, "So, what does the Lama wear, under his robe?"
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
Major Policy Speech By DF Management
My fellow dumpfucks,
It was nearly two years ago that the evildoers and enemies of freedom launched the attack on the US. Our president retaliated with a successful campaign to eliminate the Taliban supremacy in Afghanistan. After we won that war, we left the country under the control of a hodgepodge of UN and nongovernment agencies. A year later, things seem to be drifting back to anarchy or control of local warlords. The poppy farms are as flourishing as ever. High grade opium will be once again flowing in the veins of America's addict population. In April, convinced that Saddam Hussein was helping or conspiring to help terrorists to launch deadly WMD attacks on US citizens and sites, President Bush ordered our forces to roll into Baghdad in what must be the most spectacular victory of all time. We watched it unfold in real time on tv. We were proud. Then as the looters, fundamentalists and unwashed masses gathered to protest US presence, we came to realize why these people need a harsh dictator - they cannot get along with each other, except under threat of a powerful and iron fisted fascist.
Now, we the taxpayers are asked by the president to pay an additional $87billion to "stabilize" Iraq and Afghanistan. (We know that if they are willing to admit to 87, the real number will be ten times that much).
I say NO. It is not our problem. If Iraqi oil cannot be produced to pay the costs of stabilization, then give them their guns backs and let them fight amongst themselves. (That was our strategy in the Iraq-Iran war: help them kill each other.)
It is a mistake to offer democracy to people who are unable to acknowledge the rights and beliefs of others. The dual pillars underpinning Democracy is the recognition of freedom and equality. Our leaders have made a fatal mistake in thinking our values would work in the arab-muslim world. Let's bring our troops back and let Allah's will be done.
We have many needs in this country which are not being met. If Bush wants to be re-elected he must withdraw the request for money to stabilize Iraq and instead get our citizens back to work, and help all the children to get an education, live in decent housing, free from gangs, criminals and crazoids who ought not to be out on the street. Our own cities are flaming hellholes. Put out those fires, Mr President. Bring the troops home and stabilize our inner city crime neighborhoods, will ya?
Thanks for your attention.
It was nearly two years ago that the evildoers and enemies of freedom launched the attack on the US. Our president retaliated with a successful campaign to eliminate the Taliban supremacy in Afghanistan. After we won that war, we left the country under the control of a hodgepodge of UN and nongovernment agencies. A year later, things seem to be drifting back to anarchy or control of local warlords. The poppy farms are as flourishing as ever. High grade opium will be once again flowing in the veins of America's addict population. In April, convinced that Saddam Hussein was helping or conspiring to help terrorists to launch deadly WMD attacks on US citizens and sites, President Bush ordered our forces to roll into Baghdad in what must be the most spectacular victory of all time. We watched it unfold in real time on tv. We were proud. Then as the looters, fundamentalists and unwashed masses gathered to protest US presence, we came to realize why these people need a harsh dictator - they cannot get along with each other, except under threat of a powerful and iron fisted fascist.
Now, we the taxpayers are asked by the president to pay an additional $87billion to "stabilize" Iraq and Afghanistan. (We know that if they are willing to admit to 87, the real number will be ten times that much).
I say NO. It is not our problem. If Iraqi oil cannot be produced to pay the costs of stabilization, then give them their guns backs and let them fight amongst themselves. (That was our strategy in the Iraq-Iran war: help them kill each other.)
It is a mistake to offer democracy to people who are unable to acknowledge the rights and beliefs of others. The dual pillars underpinning Democracy is the recognition of freedom and equality. Our leaders have made a fatal mistake in thinking our values would work in the arab-muslim world. Let's bring our troops back and let Allah's will be done.
We have many needs in this country which are not being met. If Bush wants to be re-elected he must withdraw the request for money to stabilize Iraq and instead get our citizens back to work, and help all the children to get an education, live in decent housing, free from gangs, criminals and crazoids who ought not to be out on the street. Our own cities are flaming hellholes. Put out those fires, Mr President. Bring the troops home and stabilize our inner city crime neighborhoods, will ya?
Thanks for your attention.
Wednesday, September 03, 2003
Dear Ms DF
Due to popular acclaim, we have revived a popular feature of the old blog that we call Ask Ms Dumpfucks. We get tons of mail (dumpsterguys@aol.com) asking us for advice on recycling and disposal. And lately we are getting questions on other subjects. So, we thought - why not give out advice on dating, stock market investing and social behavior also? Here is a sampling of recent Qs and As
Dear Ms Dumpf*ck:
Q: I have a nagging rectal itch. It seems to go away when I smear it with peanut butter and get the dog to lick it off. Do you think this is a deviant behavior? Should I seek professional help? signed : Itchy in Natick
A: Dear Itchy, Yes, you should be ashamed. Peanut butter is not good for dogs. You should smear your scabby ass with wet purina dog chow. The healing power of canine saliva is one of the smelly little secrets that Vets don't talk about.
Dear Ms DF:
I have a friend who has a get away place in Rhode Island. Recently when we planned to visit, one of the other friends asked for a ride, then at the last minuite said they needed to bring their dog. I declined and now they won't speak to me.
What should I do?
A: Fuck em. They are the evil ones. Enjoy the silence.
Dear Ms Dumpfuck,
My sons and nephew were shot and killed by american soldiers recently and my homes have been destroyed by weapons of total destruction, like Stealth Bombers, and bunker buster bombs. So, I am thinking career change. Do you think the best franchise opportunity in US is in Tire repair and auto lubrication or Teeth Whitening? I have a few K of american dinars oops I mean dollars. Thanks, I like your tits. SH
A: Take a picture it lasts longer, you pervert. Glad the evil spawn are dead. You should
take an ice pick and lunge it deep into your eye, so it gets into the brain. Your best occupational bet is tire repair and lubes. Or arabic coffee bars.
Dear Ms Dumpf*ck:
Q: I have a nagging rectal itch. It seems to go away when I smear it with peanut butter and get the dog to lick it off. Do you think this is a deviant behavior? Should I seek professional help? signed : Itchy in Natick
A: Dear Itchy, Yes, you should be ashamed. Peanut butter is not good for dogs. You should smear your scabby ass with wet purina dog chow. The healing power of canine saliva is one of the smelly little secrets that Vets don't talk about.
Dear Ms DF:
I have a friend who has a get away place in Rhode Island. Recently when we planned to visit, one of the other friends asked for a ride, then at the last minuite said they needed to bring their dog. I declined and now they won't speak to me.
What should I do?
A: Fuck em. They are the evil ones. Enjoy the silence.
Dear Ms Dumpfuck,
My sons and nephew were shot and killed by american soldiers recently and my homes have been destroyed by weapons of total destruction, like Stealth Bombers, and bunker buster bombs. So, I am thinking career change. Do you think the best franchise opportunity in US is in Tire repair and auto lubrication or Teeth Whitening? I have a few K of american dinars oops I mean dollars. Thanks, I like your tits. SH
A: Take a picture it lasts longer, you pervert. Glad the evil spawn are dead. You should
take an ice pick and lunge it deep into your eye, so it gets into the brain. Your best occupational bet is tire repair and lubes. Or arabic coffee bars.
