Finally a chance to wear that Hawaiian Shirt I got from Aunt Helen

I am always looking for new places to dump trash. Lardass gave me an idea last week at the Monthly Dumpf*cks Ideas meeting when he said - "Hey, why don't we just dump all the crap into a live volcano? Is it break time yet?"

The idea was sheer genius and pure Lardass: simple direct and impossible. I looked on a map and the nearest volcano is in New Jersey. But the idea was seductive and eventually I thought of the Hawaiian Islands. Now that would make a perfect dumping spot, because most of the islands are uninhabited stretches of rocky lava slopes and beach sand. A perfect junkett.. A scouting trip that can be expensed to the dump research budget - and a few days of sun and surf.

Try not to hate me. I know you are stuck in the doldrums of a ghastly winter and I am wending my way to a warm beach in Hawaii. Let me remind you that though you may be miserable, cold and sick, please try to have some empathy for me: stuck on a so-called island paradise in 78-80 degree weather, with nothing to do but to sightseeing, snorkeling in the lagoon and hanging around the lanai bars, inundated by young tanned buxom women who are wearing practically nothing. How is that supposed to be fun?

Pity me. You get to go to work everyday, catching-up on the news in your car radio while stalled in traffic, arriving late under the friendly and understanding hawk-eye of your manager. And your coworkers, sure they may be petty, back-biting shits, but they are your shits - team-mates and soul pals. And while you are getting the love from your social network, here I will be with hardly anything to do, out of the range of electronic signals, forced to meet new people many of whom are wearing skimpy outfits, and no one to talk about the news with, because all they care about is their freaking tans!

I’m telling you this is going to be a hellhole. And the worst of it is, this goes on for a month! Crikey! Who the heck can afford to stay in Hawaii for a month?

So I may be er too busy to keep posting while I'm on the road, but keep checking back just in case. I love those flower wreaths that they put around your neck. I think my first question to the cabby will be “Hey, where does a guy go to get leied around here?”