Blubber Justice

It was a windy morning at the dump. I was, as is my daily habit, doing laps on the recycled exer-cycle. I was working in the "take-and-leave" area last month when this grossly overweight slug of a woman started unloading exercise gear from her Lexus SUV. I had to body-check one of the regulars (we refer to them as 'vultures') out of the way to be the first one to get to the exer-cycle, which was in near cherry condition (unlike its behemoth of an owner). The vulture had stumbled and fell awkwardy into a frayed bean bag chair. "Hey," he yelled, "Dump Staff isn't supposed to take stuff!" I grabbed him by the collar and pimp slapped him a few times. I opened my jacket to show him the Walther P38 nestled in my shoulder holster. I growled, "You know what Punk? One more word and your sticker is terminated. Why don't you go ahead and make my day!" Like the frightened hyena that he was, he slunk away mumbling to himself.

I dragged the exercise bike back to my office in the cob house. After a few spray downs with Lysol to remove the sticky residue, it was good as new. Speculation was that the whale liked to munch on Snickers bars while sitting on the cycle watching TV. The frame was slightly bowed, but there was virtually no wear on the pedals and gears. It worked great. I had shed 15 pounds since starting my daily workouts.

George was occupied with the Times crossword puzzle from last week. "Anyone know a six letter word for 'Ducks in a row?' Must be a mistake here. I never heard of a word with three "Y's" in it."
"Syzygy" said Lardass, who was reading one of the sections of the Times that George had tossed, "Earth Sciences 101. It's what causes an eclipse." Lardass was a dolt, but he knew a lot of useless facts.
"How's that Atkins diet going, George?" I asked. He looked up from his paper with a huge grin.
"Twelve pounds." He still looked fat as ever.
"Up or down?" Lardass asked. George responded with an Italian salute. He was the master of nonverbal communications.
"Speaking of fat slobs," continued Lardass, "it says here that Linda Tripp is getting an award of $595 thousand from her lawsuit of the US Government."
"Huh?" we asked dumbfounded. Dumbfounded dumpfucks, we thought to ourselves, you don't see that everyday.
"Yeah, she sued the government for leaking information about her to the press. She won the suit."
"But, wasn't she the one who illegally recorded Monica Lewinsky's revellations that she was polishing the President's knob?"
"Yep."
"And, didn't she give this information to the press?"
"Uh huh."
"So where's the justice here!"
"Well, I wouldn't worry about her getting rich. The Lawyers will end up with most of the cash," Lardass said.
That thought gave us some solace, but not much.