Tis the Season (Rewind)

I was looking through my desk drawer this morning, searching for stamps. And I found this old piece that was dictated to me in a dream. 1) I think it is appropriate for the season and 2) The DFM has been too busy lately to record his activities. So, no hate mail please.

How to write a Christmas Letter

The Christmas letter is a modern American tradition. It is the annual celebration of your family - mainly to assure others that you are NOT dysfunctional. Here are my tried and true secrets of a successful Christmas Letter:

While composing your Holiday Opus, remember chief objective is to make other people wish they were you. The problem is you are not Julia Roberts or Brad Pitt, so you will have to pretend that your existence is worthy of envy. Just remember how flawed your friends and relatives are. That makes the task much easier.

Rule number one. Talk about your kids as if they were the most attractive and accomplished over-achievers one could hope for. During the holiday season, one must put away the feelings of disappointment and pain that your kids have caused you. A good approach is to avoid using the words prison, and alleged rapist - even though they may have been convicted of a felony - you should refer to any incarceration like this: "Junior is Traveling in Mexico. We get letters all the time regaling us with his exploits." (omit the part about him being raped in the shower by a tough lifer who refers to junior as "his bitch.")

2 . Do not reveal any feelings about the meaningless of your real existence. People would love to think that you are doing worse than they are, but they do not want to hear about your financial difficulties or your nagging rectal itch. It is ok to mention fear of upcoming recession, but do not reveal that you have applied for a job bagging groceries at the local supermarket so you can qualify for health benefits. If you do mention your hourly job, disguise it as "Volunteer work to share some of the blessings which we - the Cratchet Family - have enjoyed."

3. Admiration for your spouse's hobbies. No doubt your mate has a really stupid hobby, but that is not what people want to know. You need to extol the fact that Biff is the anchor for the plant bowling team. You can omit that Biff's main interest is drinking beer with the gang from work, and that he often comes home very late after the game not wearing underwear and smelling of vomit.
If the missus is taking a Tai Chi course, describe her graceful posture and calm demeanor, rather than observing that “her ass is still bigger than Nebraska.”

4. Mention any family Illnesses - or god forbid, deaths - briefly and move on. Cancer and other lingering illnesses are a tremendous "downer" especially at this time of year. None of your readers wants to know the gory details of their suffering - or your heroic devotion during the last days. "Dad succumbed after a valiant fight against his disease last summer." Is sufficient. Nobody wants to hear: "We lost Tiny Tim after his agonizing battle against gangrene. The last days were full of blood and screaming but we managed - because we Crachets don't give up. Even if it means schlepping pails of stinking black bodily fluids from the deathbed to the outhouse"

5. If you traveled during the year, this is the moment to wax creatively. Everyone is jealous of other people who travel. Remember, your job is to make them wish they were you. Rave about the charming canals and the romantic gondola rides. Don't admit that you were robbed in Venice and spent most of the trip sitting in the damp American Express office. Certainly you should not mention that your late summer Key West mini-vacation was ruined by forced evacuation because of Hurricane Wendy. Instead, declare that you "decided to explore the northern regions of the state." And don't forget to stress how wonderfully everyone treated you.
This is a monologue. You can say anything you want. Forget about the endless waiting in lines, rip-offs and assorted discomfort of your travels. The American myth is that travel is fun, and anyone who complains should just stay home in Shit's Creek where they belong. Tell your readers that you danced and partied everywhere you went and that all the natives thought you were marvelous fun.

6. Pet anecdotes are a staple of holiday greetings. Your readers will literally be on the edge of their chairs marveling at Fluffy's adorable exploits. If you have a dog, pretend that he or she is not just a big crotch-sniffing annoyance and has a habit of drooling of the hors d'ourves tray. Don't mention that you usually feed your pets at the table as many of your potential guests may find this practice revolting, and will not wish they were you even for a moment.

7.. Do not get anyone –especially your spouse - to proofread your letter, it might constrain your creativity.