It Takes a Village

Hillary Clinton wrote the book entitled “It takes a Village.” Like the majority of people who feel free to comment on its contents I did not read it, nor do I plan to. But, according to consensus, it is apparently a blueprint for global socialism. Guys like Clooney go ballistic when you use words like 'global' (unless you are talking about tits) because they think you are trying to level the playing field by syphoning their gas tank. Yet, when the so-called welfare handouts (like the recent cost-of-living increases in social security payments) and free cheese programs are being extended to them, you don't hear a peep. This is just one of the wonderful and amazing connections (and blockings) that the intelligent human brain devises in order to justify a strongly-held belief.
But elitist political leanings are a topic for another day. We need to stay on point.

My topic today is "The Origins of Community Based Recycling Efforts and Global Warming"

Anyone who is interested in this topic should definitely not read Hillary's book. Frankly, while Clooney asserts that she has an intimate knowledge of "white trash", in fact, she knows very little about landfills and recycling.

Better you should read The recent article published by the MIT Environmental Programs Task Force entitled, "MIT thinks Globally, acts Locally to combat Global Warming." They say, "While skeptics still exist, a consensus around climate change issues continues to grow."

Cloony shouts, "Bah! MIT - what do those numbnuts know about science? Read my Blogs if you want the Truth!"

I say, Show me a gathering of humans - however small - where they did not leave a pile of trash behind. Dum dum dum de dum - I'm waiting.... Hah! See, you cannot!
So, let me now reveal the most exciting news item of the day. I, your esteemed DFM am writing my memoir entitled: "It Takes a Village to Make a Dump."

Here is an exciting excerpt:
"Once primitive man invented the campfire, the idea spread like wildfire (or was it the plague?) Coming home from a night of tacking, killing and dragging-home the family dinner, it just seemed natural to sit around singing and drinking beer, making popcorn and toasting marshmallows. Having warm and crackling fire became a popular fad for migrating herds of humans and eventually someone thought to bring the fire into the cave. This caught-on because it appealed to the innate human desire to spend time looking at something. Humans, unlike most competitive social species, seemed to have a need to gather in groups to form an audience. "

And in the chapter titled "The Search for Paradise"
"The convergence of on-demand warmth plus something to look at gave momentum for the indoor outhouse (or as some people refer to it – the library). When you combine having a warm place in which to relax during the morning squat, together with comfortable shoes and a warm blooded mammal willing to have sex with you - and you have right there pretty much described “heaven” for most of the human species."

The fact that people gathering into audiences created the need for Theater. In the old days people went to the Bijou or the Paramount to sit enthralled while Betty Davis or Frankenstein charmed or horrified the villagers. Come to think of it, In the end she rather resembled him didn’t she? But that is another story.



The innate desire to watch others doing things (playing sports, having sex, answering questions for prizes, even eating) is probably rooted in the DNA strand that allows humans to enjoy vicarious pleasures. Research has shown that ants and other social creatures do not have devices for viewing images or listening to noise. Yet, visit any ant hill and you will see that it is actually a dump.

OK, sometimes the strands of thought are like threads in a broken loom. Tying it all together takes patience and dexterity. You be Patience and I'll be Dexter. .... Oops I just notice from the old schoolhouse clock on the wall that it is III (yawn)- past the time for the DFM's nap.

Stay tuned for Next time when I describe my bold new idea for a New Reality Show - The Amazing Global Village Dump Race.

The Strike has Ended

I am pleased to announce that the writers strike here at the dump has finally ended. The DFM and his staff of writers were successful in wresting a fraction of the revenues from Internet sales of their work. The management and staff thank you for your loyalty and patience during these trying times. Even though they concede that most of you come here mainly because of the Naked Pictures link.

Tis the Season (Rewind)

I was looking through my desk drawer this morning, searching for stamps. And I found this old piece that was dictated to me in a dream. 1) I think it is appropriate for the season and 2) The DFM has been too busy lately to record his activities. So, no hate mail please.

How to write a Christmas Letter

The Christmas letter is a modern American tradition. It is the annual celebration of your family - mainly to assure others that you are NOT dysfunctional. Here are my tried and true secrets of a successful Christmas Letter:

While composing your Holiday Opus, remember chief objective is to make other people wish they were you. The problem is you are not Julia Roberts or Brad Pitt, so you will have to pretend that your existence is worthy of envy. Just remember how flawed your friends and relatives are. That makes the task much easier.

Rule number one. Talk about your kids as if they were the most attractive and accomplished over-achievers one could hope for. During the holiday season, one must put away the feelings of disappointment and pain that your kids have caused you. A good approach is to avoid using the words prison, and alleged rapist - even though they may have been convicted of a felony - you should refer to any incarceration like this: "Junior is Traveling in Mexico. We get letters all the time regaling us with his exploits." (omit the part about him being raped in the shower by a tough lifer who refers to junior as "his bitch.")

2 . Do not reveal any feelings about the meaningless of your real existence. People would love to think that you are doing worse than they are, but they do not want to hear about your financial difficulties or your nagging rectal itch. It is ok to mention fear of upcoming recession, but do not reveal that you have applied for a job bagging groceries at the local supermarket so you can qualify for health benefits. If you do mention your hourly job, disguise it as "Volunteer work to share some of the blessings which we - the Cratchet Family - have enjoyed."

3. Admiration for your spouse's hobbies. No doubt your mate has a really stupid hobby, but that is not what people want to know. You need to extol the fact that Biff is the anchor for the plant bowling team. You can omit that Biff's main interest is drinking beer with the gang from work, and that he often comes home very late after the game not wearing underwear and smelling of vomit.
If the missus is taking a Tai Chi course, describe her graceful posture and calm demeanor, rather than observing that “her ass is still bigger than Nebraska.”

4. Mention any family Illnesses - or god forbid, deaths - briefly and move on. Cancer and other lingering illnesses are a tremendous "downer" especially at this time of year. None of your readers wants to know the gory details of their suffering - or your heroic devotion during the last days. "Dad succumbed after a valiant fight against his disease last summer." Is sufficient. Nobody wants to hear: "We lost Tiny Tim after his agonizing battle against gangrene. The last days were full of blood and screaming but we managed - because we Crachets don't give up. Even if it means schlepping pails of stinking black bodily fluids from the deathbed to the outhouse"

5. If you traveled during the year, this is the moment to wax creatively. Everyone is jealous of other people who travel. Remember, your job is to make them wish they were you. Rave about the charming canals and the romantic gondola rides. Don't admit that you were robbed in Venice and spent most of the trip sitting in the damp American Express office. Certainly you should not mention that your late summer Key West mini-vacation was ruined by forced evacuation because of Hurricane Wendy. Instead, declare that you "decided to explore the northern regions of the state." And don't forget to stress how wonderfully everyone treated you.
This is a monologue. You can say anything you want. Forget about the endless waiting in lines, rip-offs and assorted discomfort of your travels. The American myth is that travel is fun, and anyone who complains should just stay home in Shit's Creek where they belong. Tell your readers that you danced and partied everywhere you went and that all the natives thought you were marvelous fun.

6. Pet anecdotes are a staple of holiday greetings. Your readers will literally be on the edge of their chairs marveling at Fluffy's adorable exploits. If you have a dog, pretend that he or she is not just a big crotch-sniffing annoyance and has a habit of drooling of the hors d'ourves tray. Don't mention that you usually feed your pets at the table as many of your potential guests may find this practice revolting, and will not wish they were you even for a moment.

7.. Do not get anyone –especially your spouse - to proofread your letter, it might constrain your creativity.