Seasonal Salt

Some of us in the office have begun to suspect that Lardass is on steroids. In the past several years he has been bulking-up. Some of the guys recalled the other day that his real name is Vernon, but no one has referred to him by his real name since Hector was a pup. Hector is the name of the old black Labrador Retriever that has been spending the most of week sprawled on the floor in front of the Franklin stove catnapping and wheezing. Normally, I don't like dogs - or any other animals -in the office but George insists that Hector creates chi in the office. If chi smells like a fart, I'd have to agree with him. Anyway, George claims that it's it's bring-your-dog-to-work week. Over my protests, he leaves the animal in my office instead of taking him outside. It's too cold,

Intra-office conflict is my bread and butter. I have studied every negotiating guide from "Getting to Yes" to "Feed them crap and make them love it." I am proud of my record as a tough negotiator and an obstacle buster. First you acknowledge the conflict and define the points of disagreement. Then you pull rank.
"What the fuck is that dog still doing here?" I ask pointedly.
"What dog? I don't see any dog"
"That big black animal lying like a beached moose in front of the stove, pumping methane into our atmosphere" I am getting testy, but still in charge.
"Oh, that. That's not a dog. That's Hector"
George was doing his usual steaming-up-the-mirror tactic. He is an atrocious fabricator.
"And I suppose he isn't blowing pizza-crust farts either." Holding my nose, nodding to the empty pizza boxes piled on the floor. The lads had sent out to Dominos for lunch.
"You know Hector has a congenital problem digesting carbohydrates." George was stubborn and insubordinate.

I was mulling whether to pull rank, when Lardass lumbered into the office.
"Cripes. What a stench!" This was a surprise. I always thought that LA did not have a normal sense of smell. He once confided to me that he was intrigued with the odor of skunk. "Somebody light a match."

Lardass was excited because he had read in the news that a local DPW outfit was adding beer tailings to rock salt on the roadways during snow storms. Beer apparently makes a Super Melt Salt that keeps the snowmelt from freezing at the normal freezing point. A scientist invented the product after he noticed that the pool of fetid beer mash behind the Budweiser plant never froze.

Lardass had an idea. "Hey, we have the same situation. Did you ever notice that our tank of radioactive liquid waste never freezes?"

The idea hung like a giant fart cloud in the room.