Ultimate Reality

At the dump we are the ultimate unedited reality show. \You can watch the apprentice or Cops or the Bachelor and you are actually seeing the cooked-up, edited story that the producers think will entertain or titillate you.

It always amazes me to realize that people are so eager to get on TV that they will sign-off on permission to use the video when they have been caught by the Cops, punked by Aston Kutcher, or scared shitless by their so-called friends. It doesn't matter how unflattering the images are, people just want that 15 minutes of fame.

Now, they've got people trading apartments and redecorating them, even trading spouses. Ugly ducklings getting makeovers, patients having babies and getting liver transplants and boob jobs on camera, going on dates, racing around the world, playing survivor on remote islands, picking a trophy wife for Dad, you name it.

The Osbornes, for the love of Pete. Could anything be less entertaining?

After some thought on the matter - not much I assure you - I have some New reality show ideas that I think might be boffo hits:

1) Trading Saviors: a Rabbi and a Muslim Imam swap temples with mirthful consequences, when the congregation realizes that they've been "punked.".

2) Cooking Bacon Chefs from around the world fry up pork fat in competitive and entertaining ways.

3) Does this bulkhead make me look fat? Queer Style advisors drive through suburban neighborhoods at random and confront homeowners of dwellings that look odd or need a paint job. Their catty and witty remarks bring guffaws from the laugh track.

4) Candid Port-a-John Cam - a secret digital camera is hidden inside an an outdoor toilet.

5) Granny and Zemo - A legless cripple and a 89 year old blind woman compete to see who can be the first one to climb Mt St Helens.

6) The Duel - Male Contestants fight with each other over a sexy redheaded teenager using real weapons. The survivor gets the red snapper.

OK maybe these aren't so great after all.

Can you do better?

Pressure From The Top

Memo to Files:

I got a call from the Head guy at the DPW to "sugarcoat" the unsatisfactory performance review I did for Bill - who I finally fired last month. I am reluctant to do that. It is not fair to the guys who actually showed-up for work and did their duty. But, I will do it, because dammit, I follow orders - right or wrong.

I was asked to "lose" the previous rating where I noted that Bill had refused a direct order to go and get a haircut. I had to suspend him for "egregious ponytail infractions." Cripes, he looked like a refugee from a Jimmy Buffet concert. This may be a dump, but we do have standards.

Bill would never have been hired in the first place if his rich daddy hadn't pulled strings to get him on the list. Then he never showed-up. And if he did show-up, he never did anything. And if he did do something, he'd do it wrong. That's why the guys started calling him Dubbya ("W" for wrong.)

The way things are going, they'll probably ship my ass out to the Gnome, Alaska recycleing facility, and Bill will end up getting my job.

This political crap is driving me to distraction.
Huh, what was I saying anyway? Never mind.